Feeling sorry for people is humiliating. If you make people feel sorry for you. Does pity humiliate? Pros and cons What gives rise to a feeling of pity

Psychologist Yulia Pirumova:

– The biggest discovery for me at one time was the feeling of pity. I suddenly realized that deep inside I had a ban on pity. I didn’t know how to feel sorry for myself or accept pity from others. Moreover, I used to think that I did not need pity, that it humiliates, makes a person weak. I saw that similar people live around me: instead of pitying a person who has fallen into a difficult situation, there is a desire to cheer him up: “Come on! Hold on! Get it together!” But now I know that pity can be healing. Another thing is that not everyone is ready to accept it.

Right to pity

My clients quite often say: “I am in a difficult situation, but no one sees it.” In a conversation, it turns out that a person, sometimes being in a very difficult life situation, does not tell anyone about his problems, does not seek support. It doesn't even occur to him.

The answer to the question: “Can I feel sorry for you? will you accept pity? often predictable: “No! I’d rather grit my teeth, endure and endure everything.” Question: “Do you feel sorry for yourself?” usually leaves the client stupefied. A person does not know what to do with pity, does not know what it is to "pity oneself", he does not know how to pity himself and does not give anyone the opportunity to pity himself.

But pity, as it may not seem, can be a healing feeling. It was not for nothing that they used to say in the villages: “he pities her,” in the sense that he loves her, treats her attentively, does not burden her with hard work. The word “pity” in our everyday life has a pejorative connotation, but there is a word “pity”, which means a process unknown to most of us. “Regret” is an admission that a person is in trouble, that it is difficult for him, that it is difficult for him to endure the situation and the feelings that he encounters. To see a person in his life means to “pity”. Pity is attention to the feelings of another, acceptance, support.

They say: “I’m sorry.” But only those who feel sorry for themselves can feel sorry. It is pointless to feel sorry for someone who does not have the opportunity to receive and accept your pity.

Therefore, the first and very important part of the process is to admit that it’s hard for me, that I feel sorry for myself. If self-pity is not a bottomless abyss into which you plunge with pleasure from time to time, but a moment of recognition and acceptance of yourself in this situation, then it is constructive. Pity is the fixation of a certain point in the inner world where we feel bad and hurt. Feel sorry for yourself and move on. I think that there is “adult pity” - this is mental work, this is the ability to discover oneself or another in difficult experiences and feelings.

Share or devalue?

The need for pity and support means that a person needs an outside view. You need someone else to confirm, “Yes, this is really bad. It's difficult for you. You have reason to worry."

But when we hear about the problems of others, instead of saying: “I understand how hard it is for you,” we often wave our hand contemptuously: “Did you get fired from your job? Just think! I once…” “Did your mother go to the hospital? This is nothing yet! And here is my grandfather in 2000…”

Why are we doing this? Why do we discount other people's experiences? I think this is due to the fact that people do not tolerate other people's emotions. We try to ignore them until the very end. But when it is no longer possible to ignore, we begin to save. We are used to the fact that “a little bit sorry” is not considered, it should be very sorry. But those whom we feel very, very sorry for, they are obviously not like us, but much worse, weaker, otherwise we would not feel sorry for them, otherwise they would cope on their own. This is where, probably, the myth that pity humiliates.

Devaluation is a way of coping with other people's experiences. Otherwise, you will have to “harness yourself” to the situation. For some reason, it’s like this with us - either we ignore a person in his difficult situation, or we save, forcefully pull him out of the experiences in which he finds himself. There is no middle ground. I think that approximately 90% of our compatriots are rescuers. Codependent rescuers.

“Okay, I'll feel sorry for him. But then I’ll have to do something!” - my clients say. It was a revelation to me that many people think this way. Are you sure you have to? As a rule, no feats are expected of you. If we are told about sadness and bitterness, we are not obligated to “do something about it.” Most often, just listening is enough. Many people simply need someone to “stay” with them during difficult times.

I'll save you, but I won't regret it

Codependent pity is a strange but very common feeling. The one who regrets feels like a rescuer and a hero, and the one who is pitied feels like a powerless wretched person. I don’t know how it happened that we end up in such a bunch all the time. If one talks about his sadness and pain, the second immediately makes a stand: “They tell me about problems. I must alleviate the suffering!” Or vice versa: “They share their troubles with me. But I’m not a mommy, I won’t save you! Come on, don’t become limp!”

Another paradox: all “rescuers” have a broken relationship with pity. It would seem that where there is help, there should be pity for the one you are helping. But this feeling is prohibited among “rescuers” because it is “shameful.” And they run away from him into a frantic rescue activity or out of contact: “I'm not going to pity you! This makes no sense. Stay calm and carry on. I'll show you how."

We learned from childhood: you can’t feel sorry for yourself. Complaining won't help. Need to do something! Otherwise, they will not be accepted as pioneers.

In general, everything is very confused with pity. After all, it also depends on gender; you can still feel sorry for a woman. But to feel sorry for a man means to humiliate him. “If they pity you, then you are not a man,” and the men themselves have an iron ban on this feeling: “Don’t feel sorry for me!”. Is it only women who find themselves in difficult situations? It turns out that men in general cannot be pitied, so as not to offend them with suspicion of unmasculinity.

We are very fond of saying: “I don’t feel sorry for anyone”, “I only feel sorry for children”, “I don’t feel sorry for people at all, only dogs, because they are defenseless.” Sound familiar?

Perhaps all this is due to the fact that for several generations we were on the verge of survival. When it comes to survival, relying on feelings is dangerous. Life got better, but the habit of not complaining and not regretting remained.

Packaged emotions and what to do with them

We won’t save all of humanity, but we can try to understand our emotions. First you need to see them and call them by name. Many discoveries await those who begin to work with their feelings. A person who evaluates himself as “unemotional” has often simply pushed his feelings deep inside.

The girls remember how dad said: “You have to cope on your own,” and mom said: “You can’t rely on men.” Can you imagine what happens when these two programs work together? But we don’t have two programs, but much more; a huge amount of emotions remains “unpacked”, “frozen”, “petrified” with us. This is a whole layer of work. Anyone who decides to do it can discover their real self under these rubble.

What to do if you are faced with depreciation? Set boundaries. Talk to your interlocutor about the feelings that his words evoke: “You don’t need to talk to me like that,” “It’s unpleasant for me when you talk like that. It seems to me that you don’t see me,” “No need for advice, please, just listen to me.” Each of us can say: “No” to compulsive rescue or devaluation, but most have never tried. But before you do this, you need to understand what you want from the person and from the situation.

With regret, an even more subtle question: it is very important to see what kind of support I need now and be able to ask for it. Believe me, this will not make it any less valuable. Perhaps I expect a gentle hug from a person, and he rushes to buy flowers to please me. As a result, no one will benefit or benefit from such support.

Now I can already admit that deep inside I always really wanted to be pitied, to see my sadness, not to “harness” for me, not to save me, but just to see my feelings. While going through therapy, I gained a new experience: you can feel sorry for me, but not deprive me of my value. Feel sorry, but not humiliate. See my feelings, accept and appreciate them, because my value is in my feelings too.

In therapy, I learned to see how skillfully we do not feel sorry for ourselves. How we deny ourselves the right to pity. How we block the possibility of being discovered in our sadness, how we skillfully imitate strength, how we are ashamed of our feelings, how we put on masks.

It is important for me to talk about this because pity and acceptance of the other is what I feel when working with clients. This is how they gain their experience and regain lost parts of their soul, regain integrity.

"Pity humiliates a person!"
These words belong to the famous proletarian writer Maxim Gorky.
Following him, other bearers of the proletarian spirit began to exclaim in chorus: “There is no need to feel sorry for us, because we wouldn’t feel sorry for anyone!” /WITH. Gudzenko/

That's it, it's true, it's true. How many “enemies” were destroyed by the proletarians with their “minds boiling with indignation” during the October Revolution, the Civil War and during the years of socialist construction. And they gave their lives for the work without any regret.
Ruthlessness towards oneself is heroism, but ruthlessness towards other people is ordinary atrocity!
In revolutionary St. Petersburg, drunken soldiers and sailors could shoot a person at the slightest suspicion, just because he had pince-nez on his nose and there were no calluses on his palms. It did not occur to them that this man could be a doctor returning from sick, a teacher or a poet who went out onto the street to become imbued with the revolutionary spirit of the masses. He wasn't like them
and, therefore, an enemy!
Truly, ruthlessness deprives a person of soul and mind!
Now everyone is angrily denouncing Stalinism.
In 1937-1938. more than 1.7 million people were arrested, more than 700 thousand were executed.
Lenin, Stalin, Yezhov, Beria with all their repressive apparatuses... Who are they in the end? Didn’t they commit their atrocities with the approval of thousands of thousands of throats screaming: “Kill!”, “Crucify!”? Didn't they grow up on the ruthlessness of the masses?
The revolution did not bear the fruits promised to the people by the leaders, and the leaders had no choice but to palm off on the people the candidacies of more and more new enemies, “to blame” for their misfortunes.

No one argues that a person’s sacred duty is to protect his homeland, people, and his neighbors from enemies. But, the main thing is not to lose humanity and not to start recording women, old people and children as “enemies”, as the German fascists did during the Second World War, as the Ukrainian fascists did in the Donbass.

We call love our strongest feeling, which makes a person sometimes commit feats and sometimes crimes.
And it becomes clear to many that these are not one at all, but two different feelings.
One of these feelings has a motto - WISH!
Desires are different. One person loves his profession and strives to become a master of his craft.
And this is wonderful!
Others love the mountains or the sea and want to devote their lives to sea travel or mountaineering. And we can only welcome these desires.

But there is a love for fame, money, power, and carnal pleasures, which often make a person ruthless in the DESIRE TO POSSESS.

And there is LOVE - PITY, about which Maxim Gorky spoke so ridiculously.
It differs from LOVE - DESIRE in that it contains not the desire to acquire, but the desire to give something to people.
We feel sorry for our Motherland, our people, our neighbors, and therefore we strive to warm them, feed them, protect them, save them!
Such LOVE, very often, does not want anything in return - it is selfless!
This is the LOVE of a mother, a philanthropist, a soldier going to death for his Motherland!
THIS IS CHRISTIAN LOVE, the highest example of which was shown to us by the LORD HIMSELF!

A PITY.

I want to remember this feeling again,
Which was given to us by the Lord:
Love and mercy basis,
It does not allow us to become animals!
Filled with this feeling of God,
We don’t want to be sad about ourselves.
We will help the old man and the beggar,
We will save and protect the weak!
Someone else's pain stings our souls
And makes people feel compassion.
When we feel pity for someone,
He's not sorry to give away his last!

We are people, and we all dream of happiness.
We strive to create the world of our dreams.
But we often take it for love
Your desire to possess something.
Having once achieved what he desired,
Accustomed to life in hustle and bustle.
You will feel the feeling of thirst again, -
There are no limits to the desire to possess!
And pity is, of course, inappropriate here.
Selfish people have no respect for pity!
After all, only pity for people, as you know,
It doesn't let us go over our heads!

Where there is pity, there is no concern for oneself,
This feeling bears God's seal:
The desire to understand, to warm someone,
And help him and protect him!
It was transformed into service.
Mother gives holy love to children:
The basis of that Love is pity for children, -
The desire is to give the best to children!
There is pity in the glorious feat of a soldier, -
It is stronger than the desire to live!
Save and protect everything that is holy!
At the cost of saving the lives of your neighbors!

And with generosity there is pity everywhere
We have seen this many times:
He who is merciful considers it a matter of honor,
Help those who are in need now!
There was a lot of falsehood in the last century
And we should have understood a long time ago:
Pity does not humiliate a person, -
Saves you from prison and from scrip!
I want to end the poem with the words:
“The soulless alone abhor pity!
May this feeling always be with you.
GOD will forgive you a lot for your pity!”
……………………………….
GOD BLESS YOU!

The interaction of people and the versatility of emotions to each other determines the brightness and richness of the life of each person. You can love, hate, sympathize. But why can’t you feel sorry for people? After all, it is not easy for some to distinguish sympathy from pity.

And there are those who simply cannot stand it when people show pity for them. This means that the person is weak and unable to cope with problems. And for others it is a way to control others. It's useful to know why you shouldn't feel sorry for people.

Why you can't feel sorry for people

When a person has shared his problems with his interlocutor, then in this dialogue it is worth clearly understanding the role of each opponent. Hearing that your friend or loved one is sick, there are financial difficulties, problems at work and in the family, and many other reasons that can cause pity.

And the second participant in the conversation begins to feel sorry for the “suffering” person. Thus, he is drawn into this negativity and becomes a direct participant in it. And he simply lives someone else’s life, where there are continuous problems and negative energy.

There is no need to be drawn into the problems of others with pity. It will only worsen an already difficult situation. Pity humiliates a person. In difficult times, you need advice that will really help. And empty words, which often do not carry sincerity, will only make things worse.

However, there are also individuals for whom pity is a way of existence. When the understanding comes that the interlocutor is easily suggestible and emotionally dependent, then you can put pressure on him with pity and get what you want. And here the interlocutor of the compassionate one will simply be left a fool.

It is not difficult. But you need to cultivate the right reaction in yourself, in your children. Teaching a person to perceive disabled people as ordinary people is not easy, and this is laid down in childhood. Not a pitying look, but a confident smile will be an incentive for them, another ray of light.

Sometimes even compassionate tears appear in a person when he sees or hears the problems of another. But is this required? You need to be able to communicate with different people from childhood. We must learn to find compassion for others, be able to be complicit and never feel sorry for someone who definitely does not need it.

Society is structured in such a way that only success and constant victories attract others. But when a dark streak comes, pity suddenly appears.

It only enhances the negative effect and brings humiliation and destruction to a person. And for those who use pity as a control tool, the result will not be true, reflecting reality, but will only be based on the base emotions of their neighbor. So we figured out why you can’t feel sorry for people.

Greetings, readers of my blog. Here I will touch on a very important and familiar feeling to everyone - pity. Some consider this feeling to be beneficial and put it on a par with such concepts as mercy, compassion, and help. Others consider pity to be a completely destructive trait that does not carry any benefit. Personally, I belong to the latter. Although, I confess that for a long time I thought that pity is good, it makes us more human.

Why I completely changed my attitude to this feeling and what is its destructive power, I will try to reveal to you as clearly as possible below.

The world is fair

A change in worldview and a transition from the position of the victim to the position of the owner of life helped me completely change my attitude towards pity.

Everyone deserves what they have. It is important to understand that we all create our own reality. Thoughts are material and our lives are shaped based on what we emit. We attract any situations into our lives on our own. There is a law of cause and effect, and for any action there is always a consistent result. If a person gets into any kind of trouble, there is no doubt that he created it himself. Sounds absurd? What normal person would consciously create for himself, for example, such a situation where he had an accident? It’s true, from the position of a victim of fate, everything seems exactly like this.

But let me explain how it works. Take, for example, this hypothetical situation: a person unexpectedly received a large financial reward for an insignificant favor and was able to afford to buy a car. He consciously rejoices at such an acquisition. But subconsciously he considers himself unworthy of this benefit. After all, he was taught from childhood that big money comes only with hard work, and easy money is bad money, unworthy.

He may not remember such settings well, but the subconscious does not forget anything and the program works. Completely unconsciously, the lucky person doubts whether he is worthy of this car, and blames himself for the fact that he got the money so easily. With such negative thoughts he attracts punishment. After all, if there is guilt, justice must be done. And according to the law of the universe, it happens. The guilt has been expiated, the car has been shattered, the owner of the illicit good has suffered real physical punishment.

Of course, you may not believe me, but I’m already convinced that everything works exactly like that. It is no one’s fault that people independently attract negativity into their lives and do not realize that this is a matter of their own thoughts. They blame everything and everyone, but not themselves.

Only by taking responsibility for your life and learning to manage your thoughts can you be convinced that the World is fair. Everyone receives by faith. Even the Bible says so. A person does not believe that he will be able to buy his own house, so he will wander around the “corners” all his life, appealing to the pity of others and feeling it for himself.

Therefore, no matter how tragic other people’s troubles and misfortunes may seem, there is nothing to regret, because the person himself attracted and let them into his life.

But this does not mean that he does not need to help or remain indifferent. Sitting down with someone who has fallen into the same puddle and lamenting how bad and unfair it is to fall out of the blue, you will not help the victim in any way. By putting aside the feeling of pity and offering help without getting involved in the causes of the trouble, you will benefit not only the victim, but also yourself. After all, if you believe that the misfortune happened to a person undeservedly, you also show yourself to be a victim. But everyone has the choice to become the master of life. And when you become the owner, you understand that everything happens for a reason, and pity automatically becomes alien to you.

Pity from the word "sting"

"Sorry" in Russian comes from the word "sting", which means to prick, to hurt. In ancient Russian, the closely related word “zhelya” meant “sadness, sorrow”; to staroslav: “sorry” - “tomb”; in Latvian dzelt - “to stab”; English cwëlan - “to die”; Old-German quëlan “to experience pain.” The root “stings” has a negative meaning in the etymology of many ancient languages. Accordingly, pity cannot bring anything good.

How we act on a person by feeling sorry for him

Pity is an absolutely passive, inactive feeling, devoid of incentive to action and giving nothing but negative experiences.

What do we give to a person when we feel sorry for him? To understand this better, let’s imagine the situation again: you find out that your friend fell and broke his leg; he is lying at home in a cast. You feel a sincere desire to visit him. Arriving at his house and seeing him in this position, pity awakens in you, you sit down next to him and begin to lament what a poor fellow he is, how unlucky he is. You are wondering how a friend got into such a situation and he tells you that he was walking down the street, accidentally came across a pothole, tripped, fell, and broke his leg.

You become immersed in this story, together you begin to scold the authorities for not allocating a budget for road repairs, utility services for their lack of initiative before the authorities, bad weather, a bad day, and everything in the world.

But perhaps your friend did not say that he was walking down the street, staring at the phone (as many people do now) or was so immersed in his “mental stirrer” that he was extremely inattentive. You don’t know how everything really happened, but you agree without a doubt that he is a victim, and by getting involved, you recognize yourself as a victim. After all, due to the negligence of the authorities and utility workers, you also risk finding yourself in such a situation.

In fact, you do not provide the person with any help, you do not give anything, pitying him and lamenting with him. There are no creative actions. And besides, you are wasting your energy.

Now the same situation, but without the feeling of pity: you go to visit a friend with a broken leg. You are also interested in what happened, but do not get involved in a situation that is already in the past and do not start “oohing” and “aahing”, but offer specific help to your friend. No matter what, everyone will probably find something to help a person in difficult times, if not with material deeds, then with kind words, but certainly not with lamentations.

In the first case, we intensify the pain and experiences of the victim, helping him with our regrets to plunge even deeper into trouble. In addition, the person who regrets often experiences a feeling of superiority, saying out loud: “It’s a pity that everything is so bad for you” and thinking to himself “Thank God that everything is fine with me.” The victim feels enslaved, worthless, unlucky, defective, pathetic.

In the second case, we give the person support, specific help, encourage him, and assure him that everything will work out. The victim feels complicity and a concrete shoulder to lean on in difficult times. And the supporter saves himself from negative experiences and unnecessary waste of energy.

Pity and compassion are different feelings

The problem with many people is that they confuse pity with mercy and compassion. And these are different things.

Here again, it will be clearer with an example: imagine that you are walking on a rainy, chilly day and see a wet kitten, shivering from the cold, on the side of the road. You can feel sorry for him, thinking “poor thing,” and pass by in the hope that someone else will save the poor guy. Yes, you sincerely feel sorry for him, but you have a thousand reasons not to take him for yourself.

Another case is mercy. You show the mercy and kindness of your heart and warm the kitten with the warmth of your soul. You sympathize, empathize, feeling his pain, and help to make it easier for both you and him. Showing mercy and compassion is a concrete action. By showing pity, you literally drag the person in trouble even deeper into the problem and do nothing to help. You sting, you hurt.

Exchange pity for love and compassion

The best thing you can do is to begin to eradicate the feeling of pity in yourself and replace it with love, kindness, compassion and mercy. Love, in the broad sense of the word, is a creative, positive, giving, inspiring feeling.

Think, is there a difference between lamenting “oh, poor thing, how unlucky he is, how bad everything is, oh, oh...” and between “the person is unlucky, he is in trouble and is suffering, how can I help him? "

Showing love, compassion, mercy means helping a person with real deeds to the best of your ability, and not sitting and talking about how bad he must be!

By showing concern, offering help, providing support, you give a person strength and he finds the resources within himself to get out of a difficult situation. It literally fills you with energy and overcomes obstacles less painfully. You show the victim that he is not alone, that there is support and support nearby. Even this is enough for a person to be inspired and gain inner strength.

Finally

On one psychology forum I came across the following phrase: “If you feel sorry for a person, you thereby let him die,” with which I completely agree. Moreover, feeling sorry for yourself is harmful not only for others, but also for yourself. Feeling sorry for yourself means being in the position of a victim. But the world is fair and there are no victims, everyone gets according to their thoughts. Believe it or not, it's up to you.

Be merciful and compassionate towards people, and then the world will help you in difficult times.

Friends, I would be very interested in what you think about pity, do you agree that it is a negative feeling? Share this in the comments, it will help you understand even more deeply a topic that is so relevant to everyone.

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Discussion: 10 comments

I don't quite agree with this. I think that people are selfish people. Remember the war and think about whether your statements were applicable. What do people do without pity? Every man for himself! To each his own! Rave.

Answer

Dear Nata, it seems to me that you misunderstood the essence of the "statement". In no way am I calling anyone to selfishness and composure. And, on the contrary, to love and mercy, which, unlike pity, are constructive feelings. There will be a very relevant saying here: “if you want to feed the hungry and really help, give him not a fish, but a fishing rod.”

I read in one book a small but vivid example of why you shouldn’t show pity. One woman, on her way to work, often began to meet a young woman in the guise of a beggar, begging for alms. Having passed her several times, she decided to talk to her, and was convinced that the woman was adequate, looked healthy and capable. Then the lady decided to offer her a job in her company. But she refused, she was just too lazy to work. By feeling sorry for such a person, we will simply indulge his laziness when he himself does not want to achieve anything in life. And there are a million such examples.

The example of war, in my opinion, is completely inappropriate. I do not think that the surviving soldiers sat next to the wounded and felt sorry for them. They generally thought little at such moments, but did a lot. Which is an example of showing mercy to comrades.

Answer

I also disagree! An example of winning the lottery is one in a million. But what about millions of other cases: hit pedestrians, dead children in Kemerovo, Doctor Lisa in the end...

Answer

snv - it would be interesting to know what you think is more constructive, to sit and think about how terrible the tragedy in Kemerovo is (without a doubt it is), or to collect, if not material assistance to the relatives of the victims, then prayerful assistance. For example, call everyone and pray that God will give strength to the loved ones of the victims to survive the tragedy?
I'm sorry that not everyone understands what I wanted to convey in this article.
Her main message is this - do not be sorry, but act if you can help in some way!

Apparently, we inherited pity from pagan times, and only faith in one God elevated mercy. Many are sure that pity is a high, human feeling. But in fact, scientists claim that pity, as a part of the unconscious, arose in the animal world. The basis of pity is some reflexes that are included in the survival system of a large group of animals or people. But it is in a monteistic society that mercy arises as the highest and conscious form of compassion.

The Lord actually warns us against reckless pity when, in one of the conversations about the destruction of Jerusalem and the end of the world, he says, “Remember Lot’s wife...” (Luke 17:31,32).. Her very conversion into a pillar of salt, according to the interpretation of Metropolitan Philaret, happened because “fear and pity led the cowardly woman into a frenzy and insensibility.”

People often consider pity to be love. But is it? Who do they usually feel sorry for? The poor, the beggars, the unfortunate, the sick, the suffering. That is why someone who considers pity a good feeling cannot understand why people often respond to his supposedly kind actions with aggression. Will your pity make a person feel better? After all, when you empathize, you provide moral support, and when you feel sorry, it’s as if you say “yes, you’re a loser, accept it”... It turns out that by feeling sorry for a person, we automatically, on a subconscious level, emphasize all these troubles. And then we are surprised that people treat us badly.

Helping people is a great joy, but pity can be destructive for a person, for his soul. A person can and should be helped by showing care, attention, love, and mercy. But not with pity.

Pathetic people are, first of all, people who feel sorry for themselves, and only then arouse pity from others. Is this normal? Is there something unnatural for a person in feeling sorry for oneself and causing pity in others?

“Why not,” some will answer, who don’t see anything bad in pitiful people, “it’s much worse if a person is ruthless, and not when he’s pitiful.”

But in my opinion, this is much worse. In my opinion, to be a pitiful person means to be at the lowest level of your development. And if a person is faced with a choice between being pitiful or ruthless, then it is better to be ruthless. It's scary to be a ruthless person, but it's much worse to be a pitiful person. Being a ruthless person is, of course, also not a high level of development, but it is higher than the level of a pitiful person. A little later I will tell you why being a ruthless person, although scary, is better than being a pitiful person.

It’s hard to even call a pitiful person a human being. A pitiful creature is its correct name. A pitiful creature is, first of all, a helpless creature, helpless in absolutely everything. When we see a person helpless in everything, what do we do? We begin to feel sorry for him. And why? But because melancholy, sadness and despondency in relation to someone’s helplessness are natural for a person who is at a level of development higher than the level of a ruthless person.

After all, what is pity? Pity is a regret that causes a sad feeling, sadness, melancholy, despondency. And what can certainly cause a sad feeling, melancholy, despondency and sadness, if not someone’s helplessness?

At the very beginning I said that pitiful people are, first of all, those people who feel sorry for themselves. Why did I say that? Because being helpless does not mean regretting your helplessness. In an absolute sense, every person is helpless. But not every person becomes pathetic because of this, not every person begins to regret his helplessness. All people are equally helpless in the face of the raging elements, but not every person becomes despondent from this helplessness. This means that it is not just a matter of human helplessness. There is something else that makes a person pitiful and makes him suffer about this. What?

Before answering the question of what exactly makes a person pathetic, let’s summarize one important result. One is not born a pitiful person, one becomes a pitiful person.

A person is not born a pitiful person, that is, feeling pity for himself. Self-pity comes to a person as he develops. Every person experiences self-pity during his development. But not every person remains at this level. The majority rises higher and higher in their development, much beyond self-pity. Self-pity is a certain stage in human development at which a person begins to think about himself, about his life and about his abilities and possibilities. Thinking, pitiful people begin to understand that there is no other way for them to correct the situation except through the development of greater abilities and greater opportunities.

What can stop a pitiful person from thinking? Only other people. Especially those who, with their pity, begin to encourage the lack of opportunity in pathetic people to fix something in their lives. How? And in such a way that they begin to solve the problems of pathetic people. At the same time, compassionate people are sure that by doing so they help miserable people. I agree, they help them. But they help them stay pathetic people. And this is where the worst happens. A miserable person already ceases to be a miserable person, but at the same time he does not become more capable and does not increase his capabilities. He stopped seeing his helplessness, because everything that told him about his helplessness suddenly disappeared somewhere.

What made the pitiful man blind and made him stop thinking? This was done by the efforts of compassionate people. Compassionate people saved a pathetic person from his problems and thereby killed everything in a pathetic person that could change him for the better.

What should have been done? If pity for helplessness is an inevitability for a highly developed person, then let's at least behave correctly in such cases. What does it mean to behave properly? This means, experiencing regret, causing a sad feeling, sadness, longing, despondency in relation to another person, Don't stop him from thinking, not to do what will make him stop being a miserable person who has not increased his abilities and capabilities. This means NOT to decide for pitiful person his problems.

And in conclusion. I promised to tell you why I think that being a ruthless person is better than being a pitiful person? Because ruthless people, without feeling pity for others or for themselves, they, at least, have already ceased to be pitiful. Ruthless people are people who are aware of their pity, tired of it, irritated by it. They still can’t do much, but they have stopped being pitiful, they have learned NOT to feel sorry for themselves.

People are sure that if we feel sorry for someone, it means we love and want to help, demonstrating with all our appearance participation, compassion and empathy. After all a pity arises precisely in those cases when failures or misfortunes occur in the lives of other people. We love to feel sorry for ourselves and our loved ones, and with our pity we quite often lead ourselves to various diseases, since there is a complete misunderstanding and rejection of ourselves and the situation that tells us about something important, but we do not realize and again fall into a lack of understanding of what is happening, driving ourselves into a vicious circle.

At all, pity has a double meaning. Showing this feeling, people are confident in their concern for another person, in the manifestation of their love. This happens because they confuse pity with compassion and reduce them to one concept. However, there is a huge difference between compassion and pity. Compassion is built on love and respect, A pity - on humiliation, more precisely, belittling others. By feeling sorry for others, people put themselves higher, feeling superior. Pity is a derivative feeling of pride.

What gives rise to the feeling of pity?

Unfortunately, pity acceptable to each of us. But it's one thing when, based on this feeling, we can help our smaller brothers - homeless animals, by feeding them or, as good owners do. But when we feel sorry for people, many problems arise that people do not even suspect in their minds, increasingly attributing this feeling to a noble and positive feeling that brings help to their neighbor.

In order to realize the truth of this feeling, let's ask ourselves - Do I like it when people feel sorry for me? Now let’s focus on this issue, realize, feel and understand. I am more than sure (my consultations also show this) that we ourselves do not like expressions of pity on our part from other people. Let's ask the following question - what feelings awaken in me when they feel sorry for me? We list it. I do not like? So why then can we allow ourselves to feel sorry for others?

A pity has a very negative impact on family relationships. If one of the spouses lives with the other half only out of pity, you can’t expect happiness here. A pity has the ability to oppress and destroy the person to whom the feeling is directed, and subsequently the one who shows this feeling. The process of self-destruction is underway (read previous articles).

A pity causes a backlash in a person in the form of anger, dissatisfaction and irritation. And the one who is truly convinced of his "kind" intentions, showing pity, does not understand the reaction of other people to his “compassionateness”.

To stop regretting But to really help, if you are asked for it, you need to learn to understand a person without pity, that is, with your heart. And the best and optimal option for help is manifestation of love for one's neighbor. In order to learn to show love, you need to learn to accumulate light, warmth, joy in your soul. Only then will it be possible to share it with others. Unlearn how to judge, hate, envy, curse and show any negative feelings and emotions. Whatever other people do, they do it for their own good reasons. (You can read about this in my previous articles). And their world is not fully accessible to our perception. And to judge another is always easier than to understand. And regret it on top of that.

Getting rid of pity can be difficult and sometimes impossible. But this happens only in those cases when we fill our soul with this feeling, leaving no room in it for mercy, compassion, true light and warmth. And the more we fill our heart and soul with love and its derivatives, the sooner we will learn to displace all negativity, a pity including.

We talked today about feeling of pity and about What it generates. Another thing is that if a child is brought up in pity, he grows into a weak personality who waits and seizes the moment "freebies" strive to exist (not to live, but to exist) at the expense of others, which is fraught with its growth and development as a whole.

Maybe someone has known for a long time about what I wrote now, but for some this information was a discovery. Share your opinion in the comments at the bottom of the article. I would be happy to discuss this topic with you.

Emily Brontë

We are all very familiar with such a feeling as pity, which, on the one hand, seems to be a very good and in some cases even necessary quality for a person, and at the same time it often betrays us, forcing us to feel sorry for people who absolutely do not deserve any pity . Or there are even worse situations when a person feels sorry for himself and thus indulges his weakness, seeks excuses for his failures and shifts responsibility for them to other people. Such pity, no doubt, is to the detriment of a person. And here the question arises - how, in fact, to distinguish useful pity from harmful, and how to suppress this harmful pity in yourself? So, in this article, let’s answer this and some other, also very important questions related to the feeling of pity, and at the same time find out what pity is.

First of all, I will give a brief definition of pity so that we all understand perfectly what we are dealing with. Pity is a feeling of discomfort, which manifests itself in the form of condescending compassion, condolences, mercy, sadness, regret. We can experience this feeling both in relation to ourselves and in relation to other people. I would also say that pity is one of the forms of a person’s dependence on society, this is when it comes to pity for other people. Because, pitying other people, a person partly feels sorry for himself, because at this moment he treats other people the way he would like them to treat him when he finds himself in the same situation as them. And the fact that we or other people need precisely pity in certain situations, and nothing else, we not only and not so much understand as we feel. After all, where did we get the idea that people need to be pitied? We feel it, right? We not only know about this, but we feel that people in a given situation need to be pitied, since from time to time we ourselves feel the need for self-pity. Is it good or bad? Let's figure it out.

Pity for others

First, let's look at pity for other people in order to understand when and why we feel sorry for someone and where this pity leads us. Usually we proceed from certain ideas about good and evil, good and bad, right or wrong, when we do something, in this case, we feel sorry for someone. Also, we impose the situation in which the other person finds himself on ourselves and thus, by feeling sorry for him, we seem to feel sorry for ourselves. That is, we proceed from the fact that in a certain situation a person needs to be pitied, precisely to be pitied, not to cheer him up, not to be ignored, not to do anything else with him, but to be pitied. Consequently, if we find ourselves in exactly the same situation, we expect that we will also be pitied. And what happens to us in the end? What happens is that in some situations, our pity actually benefits both ourselves and the people we pity, while in others it harms them, us, or only us. Well, for example, you felt sorry for your child who fell, say, from a swing and hit himself painfully. He is hurt, offended, he needs support from you, which you can give him in the form of pity. He wants to be pitied, and you do. And when you feel sorry for him, you show him your love and care in this way, which strengthens his trust in you and plants in him the seed of love for other people, primarily for you. That is, when we feel sorry for someone, we show this person that we care about him, and in some cases we let him know that we love him, that we sympathize with him, that we share with him his pain, suffering, resentment and etc. In such situations, pity is very useful. Kindness itself is very useful - it makes us human.

So we need to be able to feel sorry for people, even if not all of them and not always, but in general we should be able to do this, because this is a very useful skill. After all, many people need pity, especially children, who expect it primarily from their parents. But many adults also love it when people feel sorry for them. People expect pity from others, they often count on it, they look for it. And if you can give them this pity when it is required, you will gain trust in them, which sometimes, you will agree, is very important for establishing useful connections. If you are a ruthless, cold, indifferent person who does nothing good for other people, then you are unlikely to be able to enlist their support when you need it. Few people are eager to help those who never help anyone themselves. So pity, as one of the manifestations of kindness, has its price in this world. Although people often take advantage of our pity in the most ruthless and immoral way. They can manipulate us with its help or simply be ungrateful that we took pity on them. It is what it is. I'm sure you've encountered people who spat in your soul in response to your pity and kindness. However, because of people like this, we shouldn’t think that our pity is our enemy. This is wrong. Our pity can also be our ally, helping us to establish warm and friendly relations with many people, especially with those who are commonly called normal people. Therefore, it’s not worth worrying too much about the problems you have because of the manifestation of this feeling. It is only necessary to begin to control it in order to understand who and in what situation you should feel sorry for, and who should be treated coldly and with indifference. Now let’s turn our attention to this.

What is important to consider here? It is important to always take into account your benefit, primarily in the medium and long term, in order to understand where your action, that is, your expression of pity in a given situation, will ultimately lead you. Let's say you took pity on a person and did something good for him. And it seems like it didn’t give you anything. The person disappeared from your life or continues to live as he lived, without considering it necessary to somehow thank you for your help, for your kindness. And so you think that you took pity on the person, but there’s no point in doing so. And you may begin to regret your actions. Still, what can I say, we are not always ready to do everything completely unselfishly. But don't rush to conclusions. Everything is not so obvious here. Firstly, as you know, they don’t seek goodness from goodness, and if you took pity on someone and helped someone, then you shouldn’t think that this person now owes you. Pity and kindness are not things that need to be traded, although people manage to do this too. And secondly, if we talk about benefits, how do you know when and in what form you will receive it? That is, how do you know in what form your good will return to you?

Understand that the effect of one or another of our actions is always much larger than what we can see and understand, and therefore much more difficult to evaluate. In addition, this effect is extended over time and you never know where your action will ultimately lead you in the long term. When you feel sorry for another person, even an ungrateful one, you show yourself as a person, as a person, not only to him, but also to other people who form their opinion about you based on your actions and according to their beliefs and values. That is, by your actions you tell other people what kind of person you are. And when a certain opinion is formed about you, as a rule, positive, because kind people are loved, even if they are not always respected and appreciated, but they are loved, then all normal people know that you are the kind of person whom it makes sense to help, suggest, and whom one can feel sorry for. , if you need it. Therefore, even if it is not the person whom you took pity on and whom you helped, he will help you in return, but many other people, knowing about your good deed, can do it for him. In addition, some people do not thank immediately, but after some time, when they have such an opportunity. You, I repeat, by taking pity on the person, showed yourself to him, you showed that you can be humane, and this, no matter what you say, inspires trust. Thus, by helping other people, including pitying them, you can earn yourself a good reputation - a reputation as a normal, sympathetic, kind person. That is, with your good deeds you make a name for yourself, which, as you know, can work for a person all his life.

Of course, any name, even the kindest and most honest one, can be spoiled, denigrated, and discredited. But, you know, friends, when you personally know a person well, with whom you have dealt many times and who has never let you down, deceived you, or used you, but on the contrary, helped you, you will never believe in any nasty thing that his ill-wishers will spread things about him. Therefore, if you felt sorry for someone, someone who really needed it and deserved it, then rest assured that he will most likely begin to think very well of you and will never believe anyone who speaks badly about you. So from this point of view, showing pity in those situations when you need to help a person, support him, restore his faith in the best, faith in himself, and not think about how beneficial it is for you right now, can be very beneficial. Your past actions can serve you very well in the future. People, no matter what they are, for the most part, still try to reach out to good, kind, normal people who can be trusted and relied on.

But not everything is as simple and beautiful as we would like. If our goodness always returned to us like a boomerang, we would all be very kind and would constantly help each other and feel sorry for each other. However, in real life, a good deed, a good deed, is not only not always rewarded, but sometimes even punished, but is not always a good deed or a good deed. You may be mistaken in believing that by feeling sorry for this or that person, in one way or another, you have done a good deed. Our pity can turn out to be very harmful, and therefore, as I said at the very beginning, we need to be able to distinguish it from useful pity. Let's take another example of pity. Suppose you feel sorry for someone, for example, the same child, while trying to protect him from pain, not letting him on the same swing from which he might fall, trying to protect him from difficulties, saving him from hard work, for example, during study, protecting him from fear, protecting him from unpleasant information, from suffering, and also protecting him from meeting bad people, from your point of view, and so on. So, with all these prohibitions and excessive care for your child, you prevent him from fully developing, gaining useful life experience, you prevent him from overcoming difficulties, and you prevent him from learning to get up after a fall. That is, such excessive, inappropriate, wrong pity prevents a person from becoming stronger. This, of course, harms him, and it is especially harmful for the child, who needs to learn to live in the real world, and not hide in the “greenhouse” you created for him. Do you understand what is the problem here? We must be able to fall and we must be able to rise, on our own, without outside help, in order to be as adapted to life as possible. And this needs to be learned. And in order to learn this, you cannot avoid difficulties, you cannot avoid pain, you cannot protect yourself from everything that you do not like and that you are afraid of. And even more so, you cannot protect other people from this, in particular children, especially children for whom it is important to learn to be strong. Therefore, the child and in general any person must suffer. You see, you must. And if someone's pity prevents him from doing this, then it simply harms him. After all, when we get used to this pity, we only look for it everywhere, instead of struggling with difficulties, overcoming them and always relying primarily on our own strengths.

Besides, our pity often lets us down, as I’m sure you know very well. It happens that you feel sorry for a person, help him, and then he will do something bad to you in return. Let him not do this on purpose, but by inertia, for example, climb onto your neck and constantly ask you to help him. In the end, it will turn out like in the parable about the donkey and the bull, in which the simple-minded donkey, wanting to help the bull, began to do hard work for him, that is, he took on his burden, to his own detriment. Such pity on your part will simply leave you in the cold. In addition, some people, as you know, perceive other people's pity as weakness and take advantage of it - putting pressure on this feeling in order to gain some benefit. This is a very ugly and even disgusting manipulation, which is used, for example, by the same beggars who do not want to work. And we, it seems, have all our hearts for the person, we feel sorry for him, we want to help him, but he craps into our souls. A familiar situation, That's it. That’s why it’s important to understand who deserves our pity and in what situations, and who doesn’t. Let's return to this issue a little later, below I will tell you how to get rid of the feeling of pity, and there we will raise it again. In the meantime, let's talk a little about an equally harmful form of pity - self-pity.

Self pity

Self-pity is a very harmful habit for a person, developed as a result of his inability to cope with difficulties, his inability to solve problems and his lack of self-confidence. It may be due to the fact that in childhood a person was pitied too much and too often, as a result of which the line between his parents showing love for him and that very excessive care for him that I wrote about above was simply erased. That is, excessive care for a person is detrimental to him. In such cases they say: “If you want to destroy a person, start feeling sorry for him.” And I would clarify: if you want to destroy a person, pinch or squeeze him. That will be more correct. And in the end, what happens is that a person is accustomed to pity, he does not perceive his weakness as something wrong, abnormal, unnecessary for him, which he needs to get rid of, but instead he can even enjoy it. So, from a seemingly noble act, pity can turn into one of the forms of a person’s dependence on external circumstances and other people, with which a person can live his whole life. After all, it is always easier to justify your weakness, laziness, stupidity, your mistakes than to correct them. And in order to do this, you need to feel sorry for yourself, make yourself a victim of circumstances in your own eyes, and, if possible, in the eyes of other people, so that they pat you on the head and wipe your nose. All this, of course, is very touching, but not useful.

Some people like to suffer, cry, complain about their lives, pour out their souls to someone to calm themselves down. And you know that, sometimes, I emphasize, sometimes, they really need it in order to unload, to cleanse themselves of bad thoughts, to get rid of pain, to get rid of that unnecessary burden that has accumulated in their soul as a result of an unfavorable combination of circumstances and their own mistakes. But such cleansing should not become an end in itself. You can’t constantly feel sorry for yourself just to do nothing and blame everything on circumstances and other people, and even on yourself, just to, I repeat, do nothing. Pity - it’s like a sting - stings right in the heart, and we do it to ourselves, we pity ourselves, we ourselves suppress our will when we feel sorry for ourselves. So you need to get rid of harmful pity, and below we will talk about how to do this.

How to get rid of feelings of pity

Well, now let's look at what is probably the most important question for some of you - the question of how to get rid of feelings of pity. From the very pity that harms you and prevents you from achieving your goals. I, of course, understand perfectly well that sometimes we need to make this difficult choice for many of us - between other people’s interests, other people’s well-being and personal gain, and it needs to be done in such a way as not to be left in the cold, so as not to lose, so to speak. At the same time, your conscience may tell you one thing, and your mind another. On the one hand, you will feel sorry for the person if you don’t feel sorry for him, but on the other hand, you need to take care of yourself, solve your problems and tasks. So, sometimes, yes, you need to forget about pity, even when people really need it, and act in a way that benefits you. Therefore, this choice can be called a choice between conscience and profit. How to make it?

Friends, let’s use logic and think about whether our and in particular your help to those people who, from your point of view, need it, is really what they really need? Now, suppose you felt sorry for a person, so what? Has the world changed for the better? Has this person changed for the better? Or maybe you have become better? Hardly. Or rather, our pity does not always lead to something good. And often no one needs our pity at all. Do you know why? Because people should be independent, responsible and strong, and not rely on the pity of others. In addition, do not forget that you owe yourself no less than others. I'm talking about those cases when you feel sorry for someone to the detriment of your interests. We are, of course, taught to be altruists, taught to help other people, taught to be kind and good, so that the lives of all people as a whole would be better. And indeed, it is impossible without this - the world cannot and should not consist of only heartless and ruthless egoists, otherwise it will be impossible to live in it. Nevertheless, no one will deny that the same evil, no matter how anyone understands it, was, is and will be, which means that such actions that, let’s say, will go against our conscience, are not only inevitable, but they must be in our lives. In other words, no matter how much you feel sorry for other people, the world will not change much because there was good and evil in it, so they will be, because they must be. And you, as a person, will always remain a sinner, both from the point of view of “original sin” and from the point of view of common sense. Because you cannot always do good and right, always and everywhere do good, no matter how much you want to. Because life cannot consist only of good, there must also be evil in it, otherwise we will not understand what good is. In that case, why don't you do what your mind tells you to do instead of trying to be what you think you should be? Why would you feel sorry for people in situations where it makes no sense? If you do not feel sorry for a person in a situation where it is not beneficial for you, you will not become worse because of this, you will simply do something for yourself, and not for this person. And, as I already said, you owe yourself no less than others, and perhaps even more.

Besides this, as I already said, your pity, like your help, may actually not be needed by anyone in most cases. In some situations, you will think that by pitying a person you are doing good, but in fact you can harm him by indulging his weakness, laziness, stupidity, irresponsibility, and so on. Do you know what I mean? For example, the same beggars do not always need to give, because by doing this you only help them remain beggars, because they do not need to work, they do not need to do anything useful for society or themselves, because good people will still give bread. Why does this world need people who don’t want to do anything? Think about it, think about the meaning of your pity and excessive kindness. After all, all your decisions and actions depend on the attitudes that are in your head, and believe me, they are not always correct. To understand that pity, whether for yourself or for others, is not always appropriate - do not put yourself before a choice between good and evil, put yourself before a choice between two or more evils. Do you feel the difference? Our good deeds are not always truly good and correct. So I repeat - choose between two or more evils, and not between good and evil, choose between your different right actions, and not between right and wrong. This makes it easier to ignore the voice of conscience, which makes you feel sorry for others, including to the detriment of yourself, and including to the detriment of those whom you feel sorry for.

Now let's move on to heavier artillery in our fight against unnecessary, unnecessary and harmful pity. And to do this, let's ask ourselves a more fundamental question - do people deserve pity at all? In your life, what kind of people were there more, those who, if you pitied them, became better, kinder, more honest, more decent, or those who perceived your pity as your weakness and climbed on your neck or other people who pitied them? As you can see, I am not asserting anything, but I suggest you think about your attitude towards other people, about your opinion about them. It is quite obvious that many, or maybe only some people, you know better, whom you feel sorry for, felt sorry for, or may feel sorry for in the future, may not deserve this very pity. When you show pity for other people, you base your decisions on the understanding that these people, for the most part, are good, kind, honest and decent, so you need to feel sorry for them, you need to help them. But I know that there are people who, in their decisions, proceed from the fact that all people are bad, evil, vicious and they do not deserve any pity. And these people who think so have no problems with a sense of pity and conscience. Therefore, for you, friends, it is advisable, if the feeling of pity for you is really, pardon the expression, sick of it, to proceed, first of all, from the understanding that all, well, or almost all people are bad and evil, and therefore pitying them is not just unprofitable , but even harmful. Because they don't deserve pity. I understand that this sounds, perhaps, not quite objectively, not quite beautifully and not quite right. But if you constantly feel sorry for everyone and do it to your own detriment, then you need such an attitude in order to simply change your attitude towards other people for the worse on an emotional level, and then you will lose the desire to feel sorry for them and help them. But I warn you that you do not need to become a ruthless misanthrope, a misanthrope. And it’s not even that it’s just not good – it’s unprofitable. Bad, evil, cruel people who hate everyone and never help anyone - often get the same bad treatment. Fierce hatred for people, as well as excessive love for them, is just another extreme, which must also be avoided.

Now let's draw your attention to another very important reason why people feel pity for others. To do this, I will ask you a provocative question - isn’t your pity for other people connected with self-pity? Wait, don’t rush to answer it, think a little about it. You need to understand the motive behind your actions. The fact is that many people who feel pity for others subconsciously expect the same pity for themselves. And she, too, as we found out, is very harmful to humans. And if you want to be pitied, so you yourself feel sorry for others, then you need to solve the problem with your weakness, since self-pity is associated with it. You need to hate this weakness, roughly speaking, in order to want to get rid of it. A strong person does not need other people's pity; moreover, for him it is very suspicious, since it makes him think that someone is trying to gain his trust in this way. Weak people, on the contrary, ask for pity for themselves and for this they can feel sorry for others. That is, the problem of pity in this case is largely related to a person’s weakness, which he needs to get rid of. In addition, if we proceed from the idea I indicated above that many people are evil, bad, vicious, then you can rest assured that most of those whom you have pitied will not regret you. Think about it. After all, the less you begin to see good in other people, the less you will count on them and the less you will feel sorry for them. So don’t expect pity from people, even if some of them can give it to you, and without any self-interest, still don’t expect it, because many of them will not feel sorry for you.

And of course, you need to learn to rely more on yourself, so as not to seek consolation in pity, but in strength, your own strength, in your own capabilities. You need self-confidence, not pity. When you are confident enough in yourself, you will begin to rely less on other people and therefore the need to help them, subconsciously or consciously counting on reciprocity, that is, that they will also help you when you need their help, you will no longer be there. And if you also begin to clearly understand that your help and your pity for another person will result in not just a loss of some benefit for you, but also certain problems, then you will no longer have either the desire or any reason to feel sorry help someone and someone. So, in order not to count on other people - on their pity and help, just get into your head the idea that all people, with rare exceptions, are evil and bad, and that they not only don’t need your help, but it is also harmful, both for you and for them. I won’t say that this is an entirely correct attitude, that feeling sorry for other people and counting on their pity yourself, and also believing that all people are bad and evil is correct, but I repeat, in cases where a feeling of pity prevents you from living and you If you can’t consciously control it, you can fight it this way.

In general, we need pity. Without it, life in our society will become much more difficult. I believe that people need to feel sorry for each other, but only in special cases when it is really necessary. Pity helps to get rid of mental pain, and with its help you can provide the necessary support to a person in trouble. This feeling in itself humanizes people, it helps them trust each other more, helps them get through difficult times, and allows them to show love for each other. But we should not forget that we must always look at life from different sides, including from the side that shows us its dark side, on which any, even the most sacred feelings, are used by some very cynical, immoral and in a ruthless manner. Therefore, pity can be both a holy and at the same time a cruel feeling, causing harm to the one who pities someone, the one who is pitied and the one who feels sorry for himself. Do not paint this feeling with one brush, do not think that it can always be only harmful or only useful, or be solely a manifestation of weakness. Your task is to rid yourself of the extremes to which you can fall because of this feeling, so as not to be too kind or too evil. Then you will be able to use pity for your own benefit, rather than being led by it.

Pity is one of the most contradictory feelings. Some consider it one of the greatest virtues, while others, with the light hand of Maxim Gorky, categorically declare that pity humiliates a person. In this article we will reflect on the topic of compassion, love and whether the feeling of pity humiliates or elevates.

“He regrets means he loves” or pity for a man

It just so happens that the parallel between these two emotions is firmly entrenched in our mentality. So much so that sometimes we don’t know what we feel for a man: love or pity.

Let's think about what gives us and another person a feeling of pity. When we feel sorry for someone, we are usually guided by the best intentions. It seems to us that we are experiencing a feeling that elevates us. But over whom? Over others who have no pity for people? Over someone who needs this feeling? Stop. If a person needs your pity, then it turns out that he recognizes himself as inferior to you (at the moment). He wants to feel love, but subconsciously he considers himself worthy of love only in this manifestation.

If you feel pity for a man, then most likely this feeling will irritate him, since the stronger sex likes to feel in control of the situation, and pity deprives him of this control. Or, having acquired a taste for it and shifting the responsibility onto your fragile shoulders, the man will try to press for pity in the future. History knows many similar examples. From the outside, such a union seems ideal, but quite often harmless pity leads to much more serious consequences, and most often to male alcoholism. A person subconsciously strives to press for pity and becomes pathetic, both in his own eyes and in your mind. The circle closes

Pity and compassion

Many would put these words on a par, as synonyms, but there are fundamental differences between the feeling of pity and compassion.

The problem with pity is that the person experiencing this emotion does not feel the strength or know the opportunity to help. Pity in this case is tenderness from the consciousness of one’s own generosity. It corrupts both the giver and the one who receives it. It is not for nothing that Indian wisdom says that pity only gives rise to suffering, and love gives goodness.

Compassion differs from pity primarily in its sincere desire to help. We perceive the other as an equal and maintain our respect for him in times of trouble. That's why we say compassion. By being compassionate, we perceive other people's pain as our own and strive to reduce it. Having regrets, we observe what is happening from a certain distance, and we concentrate not on the good (the desire to help), but on the very fact of pain and sadness. If pity is passive, then compassion is active.

A person who only thinks about how to arouse pity voluntarily takes on the image of a victim. Falling into its network (wanting to feel self-love by feeling high, from our point of view, emotions), the pitying person is pulled into a destructive whirlpool, and now you no longer know how to get rid of the feeling of pity.

Sincere compassion is devoid of narcissism, it goes hand in hand with mercy, attention and care. When a person says: “I don’t know pity,” this does not mean that he is callous; perhaps your interlocutor is devoid of cowardice.

How to get rid of pity?