Proactive thinking as simple as that. “Proactive thinking. How simple questions can dramatically change your work and life" John Miller. John MillerProactive thinking. How simple questions can dramatically change your work and life

This book is well complemented by:

Rules for happy families

John and Karen Miller

Hug your customers

Jack Mitchell

I saw an angel in a piece of marble and began to chisel the stone to free it.

Michelangelo

The first edition of this book appeared ten years ago, when my friend and co-author David Levin and I condensed our 299-page book Personal Accountability into a more concise version—and that's where it all began.

To our greatest joy, the market reacted quickly to our brainchild. And we're proud to announce that over a million copies, including Flipping the Switch and Outstanding! 47 Ways to Make Your Organization Exceptional is on readers' bookshelves. And after countless talks and trainings, we continue to be delighted to hear that QBQ, or the question-by-question method, is changing people's lives. It is truly a blessing to receive feedback like “QBQ changed my life!” and “I wish I knew about QBQ years ago.”

It has also given us great pleasure over the years to observe the constant influence of the book on the minds of people. Many books published with great fanfare were quickly forgotten. But this one showed that people and companies need it today as much as before.

Of course, this does not mean that the first edition did not need revision. So, after collecting feedback from readers and clients over the years, I determined which parts of the text needed to be clarified and strengthened. And I added a “FAQ” section at the end to answer the most common questions from readers.

If you're ready to go all the way with this book, I'm glad you're joining us. Our team has made friends with many people from different parts of the world, and we hope you will become our friend too. Thank you for believing in the idea personal responsibility, since this is what this book is dedicated to.

What happened

A huge billboard looms over a Houston highway that reads, “Whatever Happened to Personal Responsibility?”

I don’t know who put this question there, but when I saw it, it felt like lightning struck me. What happened to personal responsibility? Why does it seem that all people know how to do is look for those to blame, blame everyone for their problems, feelings and actions? Let me give you a few examples.

I wanted to drink coffee at the gas station, but the kettle was empty, so I turned to the man at the counter:

- Sorry, but there is no coffee here.

He pointed to a colleague standing nearby and said:

- Responsible for coffee her Department!

Department? At a gas station the size of my living room?

Second example. During a domestic flight, the flight attendant reports via two-way communication:

– We apologize, but we will not be able to show the promised film today. Service company I put the wrong picture on board.

Or here's another one. The takeout pizza place had apparently lost our order, so I paced back and forth in annoyance while my hungry family waited in the car. Suddenly, like a bolt from the blue, a young man appeared behind the counter:

- Just don’t blame everything me, my shift has just started!

In one variation or another, we constantly hear: “it’s not my fault,” “it’s not my responsibility,” “it’s not my problem.” The billboard made such an impression on me partly because I completely agree with what it says. But what also amazed me was that someone was so deeply imbued with the idea of personal responsibility that he placed these words in a prominent place.

I, too, was very inspired by this idea, which is why I wrote the book that you are holding in your hands.

Who is it for? For anyone who has heard or asked the following questions:

When will this department start doing its job?

Why don't they have good communication?

Who screwed it up?

Why did all these changes come upon our heads?

When will someone teach me?..

Why can't we find higher level staff?

Who will create a clear strategy for us?

These questions seem innocent enough, but they reveal a lack of personal responsibility and reveal the essence of many of the problems we face today.

Changing your mindset and taking personal responsibility is the most powerful and effective method for improving your company's performance and personal life.

QBQ has been developed and refined over the years. By asking yourself the right questions, you can develop personal responsibility. I've been writing and talking about this since 1995, but the topic is still relevant today. Almost every day I hear stories of how QBQ has increased productivity, improved teamwork, reduced stress, improved relationships, and improved service.

The biggest benefit that people get from this method concerns their personal outlook. Once you start to develop a QBQ-style mindset, things immediately improve. People enjoy life more. For those who choose the path of personal responsibility, life becomes more joyful.

So, if you've heard questions like the ones listed above, if you're frustrated by other people's lack of personal responsibility, or if you recognize that you've been thinking wrongly yourself, this book is for you. Enjoy!

The picture of personal responsibility

One day I stopped by the Rock Bottom restaurant for a quick bite to eat. The establishment is not overcrowded. Time was running out, but I managed to get a seat at the bar. As soon as I sat down, a young man rushed past with a full tray of dirty dishes. He noticed me out of the corner of his eye, so he stopped and asked:

-Have you been served yet, sir?

“Not yet,” I answered. - Actually, I'm in a hurry. I'd order a salad and maybe a couple of wraps.

- I can bring it to you. What will you drink?

– Diet Coke, if possible.

- Sorry, sir, we only have Pepsi. Will it do?

“No, thank you,” I smiled. – Then water with lemon, please.

- Great, I'll be back soon.

And he disappeared.

A moment later he brought salad, rolls and water. I thanked him, and he quickly ran away, and the satisfied client in my person began to satisfy his hunger.

Suddenly, someone moved to the left, there was a “breeze of enthusiasm,” and a “long arm of service” reached out to me with a half-liter bottle, covered with frost on the outside, with an ice-cold Diet Coke inside!

- Wow! Thank you!

“You’re welcome,” the waiter smiled and slipped away again.

Something always happens in life. And often these are not the events that we expect and enjoy. Some difficulties arise, and we wonder why this is happening. We want to understand who is to blame for what happened and when some changes will happen. But this approach is far from actually solving the problems. The situation only gets worse and relationships deteriorate. Moreover, this applies not only to workers, but also to all other relationships. The book by John Miller, a business coach and author of a method for developing personal responsibility, will tell you about the questions that need to be asked in order for problems to be solved.

Improving the situation, some changes do not happen by themselves. It all depends on thinking. And as long as everyone looks for someone to blame and asks themselves questions like “Why doesn’t anyone put things in order here?”, nothing will change. The author of this book talks about proactive thinking, which is aimed at taking responsibility. If in every difficult situation you think about what you can do, focusing on what you have, and then act, the results will not keep you waiting.

The book addresses issues that hinder change and explains those that push for problem solving. The author gives many examples showing how this works in practice. A person cannot always influence other people or a situation. But if he learns to think first of all about what he can do, then many difficulties can be resolved. By applying the tips in this book, you will see how problems are solved, relationships are improved, quality of service is improved, and team spirit is strengthened.

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Title: Proactive thinking. How simple questions can dramatically change your work and life

About the book “Proactive Thinking. How simple questions can dramatically change your work and life - John Miller

This book is a guide to the most important aspect of modern business and society as a whole - personal responsibility, the lack of which often results in an avalanche of mutual accusations, dissatisfaction and procrastination. John Miller, founder of the consulting company QBQ, talks about how to make personal responsibility a habit and the results it can achieve: problems are solved, obstacles are removed, service quality improves, team spirit increases and employees are more receptive to change.

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Quotes from the book “Proactive Thinking. How simple questions can dramatically change your work and life - John Miller

QBQ: “How can I learn to let go of what I can’t control?”
If you want to win, don't pay attention or complain about things that are not in your control. Some problems are better to let go of. For everything else, try to be strong enough to “overpower the judge.”

“What can I do to change something?”, “How can I help the team?”

I present to you three simple principles for formulating QBQ:
QBQs begin with “what,” “how,” or “how,” rather than “why,” “when,” or “who.”
QBQ uses the personal pronoun “I” rather than “they”, “we” or “you”.
QBQs are aimed at performing specific actions.

Remember: learning equals change. If we haven't changed, it means we haven't learned.

Stacy's father turned to her and calmly said, “Dude, the engine's broken. I'll have to fly the plane differently." Great phrase: “Fly the plane differently.”

The first rule of QBQ is that all good questions begin with “what,” “how,” or “how,” rather than “why,” “when,” or “who.” Let's look at the questions posed at the beginning of the chapter from a different angle and see what changes if we ask:
How can I better cope with today's responsibilities?
What should I do to improve the situation?
How to help others?

What can I do today to solve this problem?

“God, give me the wisdom and peace of mind to accept people whom I cannot change, the courage to change the person I can, and the wisdom to understand that this person is me!”

Current page: 1 (book has 5 pages in total) [available reading passage: 1 pages]

John Miller
Proactive thinking. How simple questions can dramatically change your work and life

The Question Behind the Question®

Practicing Personal Accountability at Work and in Life

G. P. Putnam's Sons

All rights reserved. No part of the electronic version of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any means, including posting on the Internet or corporate networks, for private or public use without the written permission of the copyright owner.

Legal support for the publishing house is provided by the Vegas-Lex law firm.

This book is well complemented by:

Rules for happy families

John and Karen Miller

Hug your customers

Jack Mitchell

I saw an angel in a piece of marble and began to chisel the stone to free it.

Michelangelo

Preface by the author

What happened

A huge billboard looms over a Houston highway that reads, “Whatever Happened to Personal Responsibility?”

I wanted to drink coffee at the gas station, but the kettle was empty, so I turned to the man at the counter:

- Sorry, but there is no coffee here.

He pointed to a colleague standing nearby and said:

- Responsible for coffee her Department!

Department? At a gas station the size of my living room?

Second example. During a domestic flight, the flight attendant reports via two-way communication:

– We apologize, but we will not be able to show the promised film today. Service company I put the wrong picture on board.

- Just don’t blame everything me, my shift has just started!

I, too, was very inspired by this idea, which is why I wrote the book that you are holding in your hands.

Who is it for? For anyone who has heard or asked the following questions:

When will this department start doing its job?

Why don't they have good communication?

Who screwed it up?

Why did all these changes come upon our heads?

When will someone teach me?..

Why can't we find higher level staff?

Who will create a clear strategy for us?

These questions seem innocent enough, but they reveal a lack of personal responsibility and reveal the essence of many of the problems we face today.

Changing your mindset and taking personal responsibility is the most powerful and effective method for improving your company's performance and personal life.

Chapter 1
The picture of personal responsibility

-Have you been served yet, sir?

“Not yet,” I answered. - Actually, I'm in a hurry. I'd order a salad and maybe a couple of wraps.

- I can bring it to you. What will you drink?

– Diet Coke, if possible.

- Sorry, sir, we only have Pepsi. Will it do?

“No, thank you,” I smiled. – Then water with lemon, please.

- Great, I'll be back soon.

And he disappeared.

A moment later he brought salad, rolls and water. I thanked him, and he quickly ran away, and the satisfied client in my person began to satisfy his hunger.

- Wow! Thank you!

“You’re welcome,” the waiter smiled and slipped away again.

A thought flashed through my head: “We should hire this guy!” He exceeded my expectations. This is clearly not the average worker. And the more I thought about the waiter’s action, the more I wanted to talk to him. As soon as I managed to attract the attention of this young man, I called him to me.

- Sorry, but I thought you didn't sell cola.

- Yes, sir, we don’t sell.

-Where did you get it?

- In the store around the corner.

His answer shocked me to the core.

-Who paid for it? – I asked.

- I am, sir. Just a dollar.

By that time, only one thought was spinning in my head: "Cool!" But I said:

- Come on, you have your hands full here. When did you have time?

Smiling and growing more and more in my eyes, he replied:

– I sent my manager for her.

I could not believe it. What do you call this - transfer of powers? I bet we all dream of casually telling our boss, “Go get a Diet Coke.” Just a dream! But above all else, this waiter's actions paint a wonderful picture of personal responsibility and an example of QBQ. We'll talk about the features of QBQ a little later, but now let's look at the waiter's thinking and his actions.

As always, the place is bustling at lunchtime. Rushing with a full tray of dirty dishes in his hands, he was already busy, and there was still a lot of work ahead of him. But instead of using this fact as a reason - or an excuse - and continuing on his way to the kitchen, the waiter noticed a customer who, although not sitting in his service area, needed attention. That's why he decided to help. Of course, I don’t know what was going on in his head at that moment, but in such a situation many people ask themselves:

Why do I have to do everything?

Who should serve customers in this area anyway?

When will management prepare a wider range?

Why are we always short of people?

It is quite understandable for a person to think this way, especially in a state of irritation, but these are bad questions. They are negative and do not solve a single problem. Throughout this book we will refer to these as bad questions, or IQs, because there is nothing positive or constructive about them. They contradict the principles of personal responsibility because they imply that someone else must solve the problem or fix the situation.

Unfortunately, these are the thoughts that come to mind first. It's sad to say that when we're stressed or in a difficult situation, our immediate reaction is usually negative and defensive, and the first questions that come to mind are the wrong ones. But fortunately, dissatisfaction and irritation provide a great opportunity to change something, and QBQ helps you take advantage of it. As soon as the wrong questions arise in our heads, we are faced with a choice: accept them (“When will they finally give us helpers?!”) or resist by asking more responsible questions: “What I can I do to change something?”, “How I Can I help the team?

What is QBQ?

QBQ is a tool that allows a person to develop personal responsibility by making the right decisions at the right time.

We will achieve this if we ask ourselves the right questions. That's exactly what my waiter did. He controlled his thoughts, did not ask negative thoughts and did not dwell on the negative side of the situation. Consciously or not, he was thinking something that clearly showed his responsibility: “How can I help?” and “How to bring more benefit?” His choice turned out to be fateful.

When I left, I left him a good tip—throwing a couple of 25-cents across the bar. (Just kidding. The tip was actually great because he deserved it.) And when I went back there a couple of months later and asked “my favorite waiter Jacob Miller"(I liked his last name), the waitress began to say:

- Sorry, sir, Jacob no longer...

My thoughts were spinning at breakneck speed. Not this! You have lost my favorite waiter! You lost the person who looked at me and thought, “What can I do right now to serve my client?” I couldn't believe my ears. How could they let him get away?!

But, interrupting her, I only said out loud:

- Don't tell me you lost him!

To which she hastened to answer:

“No, no, sir, we didn’t lose him—Jacob was promoted.”

My first thought was: “Promotion. What a loss! You can smile if you are also a manager.

However, I was not at all surprised that Jacob and his philosophy climbed the career ladder so quickly. That's what personal responsibility can do. Everyone wins: clients, colleagues, the company - everyone. As for Jacob, aside from tips and raises, I think his best reward is feeling great at the end of the day because he asked the right questions, made the right decisions, and developed personal responsibility.

Chapter 2
Right choice

Shortly after moving to Denver, we encountered plants we had never seen before. They are called Tribulus terrestris. Native to the western United States, these nasty little spines look like the ears, horns and nose of a goat. They crawl along the ground, and their horns stick out in the air, and if they get into someone’s shoe, his whole day will be ruined.

If you're a Westerner, you won't be surprised that we've changed more bike tires living here than we've changed in our entire life in the Midwest. Professional cyclists take many precautions against Tribulus, even if they have the fattest bicycle tires.

Every day we make a journey into the unknown thickets of our personal and professional lives, where the same “thorns” lie in wait for us at every corner. Making the wrong choices can lead to blaming, complaining, and procrastination. 1
Procrastination (English) procrastination, from lat. procrastinatus:pro- instead of, ahead and crastinus- tomorrow) is a concept in psychology that denotes a tendency to constantly postpone unpleasant thoughts and deeds for later. Note ed.

But the right mindset leads to a richer, more beautiful life and gives you a sense of pride and satisfaction in the productive decisions you make.

The QBQ concept is based on the idea that we are responsible for our own choices and can always make the right decision. Sometimes we feel like we have no choice. Then we say things like “I have to” or “I can’t.” But there is always a choice. Always. Even the decision not to make a choice is also a choice. By understanding this and taking responsibility for our decisions, we take a big step towards serious changes in life.

Do you want to avoid running into a “thorn” and do the impossible?

Make the right choices.

Chapter 3
QBQ! Question after question

Now let's talk about a method that brings personal responsibility to life - QBQ. The Question by Question method is based on the premise that the first reaction is usually negative and is expressed in the wrong questions. Thus, if at the moment of making a decision you control yourself and instead of asking the wrong questions that first come to mind, ask the right ones (QBQ), this will already give good results.

One of the basic principles of the QBQ method is that the answers are in the questions. In other words, if you ask yourself the right questions, you will get the right answers. Therefore, the QBQ method is about asking the right questions.

What are the right questions? How to turn HB into QBQ? What do I need to do?

This book will help you learn to identify and ask the right questions. Let's clarify that QBQ is the questions we ask to myself, and not others. We rarely ask them out loud to colleagues, clients, family members and friends because think about them to ourselves.

I present to you three simple principles for formulating QBQ:

1. QBQs begin with “what,” “how,” or “how,” rather than “why,” “when,” or “who.”

2. QBQ contains the personal pronoun “I” rather than “they”, “we” or “you”.

3. QBQs are aimed at performing specific actions.

For example, the question “What can I do?” meets all three principles. It begins with the word “what,” contains the pronoun “I,” and is directed toward a specific action: “What can I do?” It's simple, like I said. But don't let the simplicity fool you. Like a gemstone, QBQ has many facets. In the following chapters we will discuss them and find out what impact the proposed method can have on your life.

Chapter 4
Don't ask "Why?"

Have you ever heard questions like this?

Why do others work so little?

Why do they constantly prevent me from doing my job?

Why do I work without breaks?

Why does everyone except me give a damn?

Say them out loud. What do you feel? For example, when I say them, I feel like a helpless victim. In questions from the series “Why me?” contains the following thought: “I am a victim of circumstances and those around me.” Not a very productive thought, is it? But we constantly ask ourselves why questions. (Note: if you have taken training on sales or finding a way out of difficult situations called “Five Whys,” then this is not what our book is about. We are talking about questions involving “poor, unfortunate me,” that is, the classic nagging.)

Anyone can fall into the “Why” trap. I once asked the head of a department how many people reported to him, to which he replied: “About half.” Funny answer. My interlocutor was clearly one of those managers who ask the wrong questions: “Why can’t I find good staff?”, “Why doesn’t the younger generation want to work?” and “Why am I not getting more support from senior management?” These are signs of victim thinking, which is a very common phenomenon.

Once I was flying on a plane next to a man in his fifties. We met and had a friendly conversation about who was going where and what they were doing. It turns out he has a summer home near Aspen 2
Aspen is a city in Colorado, where an expensive ski resort is located. Note translation

And he returns from a three-week holiday at a ski resort. "Wow! – I thought. – Three weeks in Aspen. This guy must be making good money!” He said that he lives in New York and works on Wall Street. Guess what he does. No, he is not a broker. He is an accident lawyer.

When he asked me what I was doing, after thinking for a second, I simply replied:

– I am a writer and speaker.

- Really? What are you talking about?

I hesitated a bit and then thought, “Why not?” - and answered what I always say in these cases:

– About personal responsibility.

I wondered if he would see irony or humor in my words. Several minutes passed. We looked at each other. He fidgeted restlessly. I decided to clarify a little:

– I just help people, and myself in particular, to give up victim mentality.

He must have understood me, because our conversation ended there. We didn't say another word to each other!

I have nothing against him and his work. He is simply doing what is required by a society that constantly asks, “Why is this happening to me?” But even if we come to complete agreement about the ills of society, let us not forget that society consists of individuals. You and me. The best way to get him out of the victim mentality is to drive the victim out of himself.

The first rule of QBQ is that all good questions begin with “what,” “how,” or “how,” rather than “why,” “when,” or “who.” Let's look at the questions posed at the beginning of the chapter from a different angle and see what changes if we ask:

How can I better cope with today's responsibilities?

What should I do to improve the situation?

How to help others?

Chapter 5
Victim

I once received an email from a man who wrote that in ten years of military service, his only response to any unpleasant situation was: “No excuses!” He accepted this formula, believed in it and lived by it.

Returning to civilian life, he took a job as a territory manager for a large food company. He was not making the progress that the company expected of him, and he was not happy with his work. The day before he attended the “Personal Responsibility and QBQ!” training, he turned to his supervisor with the following questions:

Why do you spend so little time with me?

Why do you teach me so little?

Why are our prices uncompetitive?

Why don't we have new products?

Why isn't the marketing department helping us?

He concluded his letter with the words: “Having learned about the QBQ method in training, I realized that just a few years after leaving military service, I had turned into the thing I most disliked: victim" If this man, who lived and breathed the “No Excuses!” principle for ten years, has managed to slip into a victim mentality, then we all need to be on our guard.

Chapter 6
Why is this happening to me?

Stress is your choice. Do you agree?

Few people would like this idea. Many people think that stress is caused by people and events: management, colleagues, clients, boss, traffic jams, weather, market conditions - but this is not so.

Of course, bad things happen: the economy goes down, the company struggles, the stock market crashes, we lose our jobs, people around us don't finish what they start, we don't meet deadlines, projects fail, good employees leave. Anything can happen in life. But still, stress is your choice, since it is we who choose how to react to each “dangerous event”. We are angry. Or, pushing our feelings away, we remain calm. We worry or we remain cool. (One of my clients has a note hanging above his desk: “I have had many problems in my life, and some of them actually existed!”)

Just after the FedEx conference in Toronto, where I stated that “stress is a choice,” a woman wrote to me. She politely indicated that she completely disagreed with me and that within a month she promised to collect evidence that the stress was caused by external sources. A month later I received a letter that encouraged me: “I admit my defeat. I really I determine my own mood. Now I ask myself more QBQs to cope with stress!”

Different people react differently to the same situations. Stress is a personal choice.

But stress can also be fruit our choice. By asking ourselves questions like “Why is this happening to me?”, we seem to agree that we are not in control of our lives. All this makes us think the way the victim thinks, which in itself makes us sad. Even if we are true become victims and our feelings seem justified, the question "Why me?" only increases stress.

John Miller

Proactive thinking. How simple questions can dramatically change your work and life

The Question Behind the Question®

Practicing Personal Accountability at Work and in Life

G. P. Putnam's Sons

Legal support for the publishing house is provided by the Vegas-Lex law firm.

This book is well complemented by:

Rules for happy families

John and Karen Miller

Hug your customers

Jack Mitchell

I saw an angel in a piece of marble and began to chisel the stone to free it.

What happened

A huge billboard looms over a Houston highway that reads, “Whatever Happened to Personal Responsibility?”

I wanted to drink coffee at the gas station, but the kettle was empty, so I turned to the man at the counter:

- Sorry, but there is no coffee here.

He pointed to a colleague standing nearby and said:

- Responsible for coffee her Department!

Department? At a gas station the size of my living room?

Second example. During a domestic flight, the flight attendant reports via two-way communication:

– We apologize, but we will not be able to show the promised film today. Service company I put the wrong picture on board.

- Just don’t blame everything me, my shift has just started!

I, too, was very inspired by this idea, which is why I wrote the book that you are holding in your hands.

Who is it for? For anyone who has heard or asked the following questions:

When will this department start doing its job?

Why don't they have good communication?

Who screwed it up?

Why did all these changes come upon our heads?

When will someone teach me?..

Why can't we find higher level staff?

Who will create a clear strategy for us?

These questions seem innocent enough, but they reveal a lack of personal responsibility and reveal the essence of many of the problems we face today.

Changing your mindset and taking personal responsibility is the most powerful and effective method for improving your company's performance and personal life.

The picture of personal responsibility

-Have you been served yet, sir?

“Not yet,” I answered. - Actually, I'm in a hurry. I'd order a salad and maybe a couple of wraps.

- I can bring it to you. What will you drink?

– Diet Coke, if possible.

- Sorry, sir, we only have Pepsi. Will it do?

“No, thank you,” I smiled. – Then water with lemon, please.

- Great, I'll be back soon.

And he disappeared.

A moment later he brought salad, rolls and water. I thanked him, and he quickly ran away, and the satisfied client in my person began to satisfy his hunger.

- Wow! Thank you!

“You’re welcome,” the waiter smiled and slipped away again.

- Sorry, but I thought you didn't sell cola.

- Yes, sir, we don’t sell.

-Where did you get it?

- In the store around the corner.

His answer shocked me to the core.

-Who paid for it? – I asked.

- I am, sir. Just a dollar.

By that time, only one thought was spinning in my head: "Cool!" But I said:

- Come on, you have your hands full here. When did you have time?

Smiling and growing more and more in my eyes, he replied:

– I sent my manager for her.

Proactive thinking as simple as that. “Proactive thinking. How simple questions can dramatically change your work and life" John Miller. John MillerProactive thinking. How simple questions can dramatically change your work and life

About the book “Proactive Thinking. How simple questions can dramatically change your work and life - John Miller

Quotes from the book “Proactive Thinking. How simple questions can dramatically change your work and life - John Miller

John Miller Proactive thinking. How simple questions can dramatically change your work and life

This book is well complemented by:

Preface by the author

What happened

Chapter 1 The picture of personal responsibility

Chapter 2 Right choice

Chapter 3 QBQ! Question after question

Chapter 4 Don't ask "Why?"

Chapter 5 Victim

Chapter 6 Why is this happening to me?

John Miller
Proactive thinking. How simple questions can dramatically change your work and life

Chapter 1
The picture of personal responsibility

Chapter 2
Right choice

Chapter 3
QBQ! Question after question

Chapter 4
Don't ask "Why?"

Chapter 5
Victim

Chapter 6
Why is this happening to me?